


101 Ways to Kill a Mary Sue

by Dream_Seeker



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-31
Updated: 2013-07-31
Packaged: 2017-12-21 22:34:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/905739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dream_Seeker/pseuds/Dream_Seeker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mary and Gary, you got NO chance....</p>
            </blockquote>





	101 Ways to Kill a Mary Sue

 

 

A/N; Just some crazy craziness which got into my mind and had to come out. Drabbles.

ps. these are so horrible... so so horrible... xD

* * *

"Kili! Oh Kili, you must save me! This Goblin has me hostage and I don't know what to do!"

Kili's eyes half shut in pain as he heard that searing, annoying voice float across the room to him. Feeling the eyes of his brother, Uncle and the rest of the party, the Dwarf did only as was expected of him to do. He marched over to the Great Goblin and proceeded to have words with him.

"I suppose you must let her go." Kili said.

"And why must I do that? Would you take her place?" The Goblin laughed but shut up as Kili gave him a look.

"No, I'd not take her place."  
"But _KILI_!" Came the horrific wail again and this time both the Goblin King and Kili winced. "What of the love we have for each other?"

"There is no love." A defeated Kili implored the Great Goblin. "None at all."

"Hm. In that case, here." The Goblin tossed Kili his brothers sword which had been taken by the other Goblins. "She _is_ rather annoying..."

"Much obliged to you." Kili gave the Goblin King a little bow, turned to the captive girl, gave her his trademark Kili grin, and sank the blade deep into her stomach. The girls whines and pleas to "Kili, her one and only" soon faded as she passed into the realm of the next world.

The silence in the cave was a blessed relief and, as one, all the Goblins and Dwarves began to applaud and Kili let out a sigh of relief.

"... Just how long was that thing in your party?" The Goblin King asked and Thorin spoke up, "No doubt five months. We lost track of time."

"I don't know how you did it. She annoyed my Goblins and myself within 15 minutes. You know? You went through enough. Take your weapons and carry on with your journey. Just remember. If we catch you again, we won't let you go so easily."

With that, the Dwarves were freed to be on their way, much happier now than they'd been for a long time.

* * *

Fili had about had enough. The Elven/Human/Hobbit/Dwarf mix kid had been swooning over him for the past month, month and a half. Fili didn't even _like_ men, but this kid was convinced that they'd make out once, fall in love and have amazing... coupling for the rest of their lifetimes.

"So, Fili, ever tell you how one time I batted six straight home runs at -"

What in the world was the guy talking about? What was batting? Why would Fili even _care_? Why was this guy even _with_ them? Nothing made sense and the Heir was starting to get rather upset about the attentions that guy was showing him. To his dismay, Bofur and Kili found it hilarious.

"Your admirer is cooking you a nice dinner it seems. Maybe he'll give you your kiss during, huh?" Bofur asked, trying to hold back a grin as Fili turned all shades of purple.

"He is not my admirer and I won't eat a thing he makes. For all I know he will poison it and I'd be love struck and not of my own devices." The Heir snapped back, glaring at the kid across the campsight, who gave him a wink.

It went on like that for another month and finally Fili had enough. "Uncle, I'll be back in two weeks. I'll find you. YOU," he said to the kid, "come with me."

Of course the kid followed.

It took Fili about four days to get to Mordor and, upon arriving at Mt Doom, he pointed below. "See that fiery pit?"

"Yes! It reminds me of the intense inferno that my love is for you."  
"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Fili rolled his eyes and shoved the kid into the burning hot death below.

Gods, that felt good.

He returned to his Uncle a very happy Dwarf.

* * *

Thorin was pisssssssed.

Last time he'd checked, he was the King. He was the one in command of what went on with his men, he was the one who made the choices and decisions based on what was best for his party; but noooooo. Since that idiotic female had arrived from who knows where, all his men had been besotted with her and were ready to do anything she asked.

It was almost as if she was outwardly mocking him, "Any thing you can do, I can do better."

Well, we'll see who can do what better.

He managed to put up with it until the day came where every single Dwarf wanted her. The amount of sheer... sexual tension in the air was driving Thorin sick and he glared at his love besotted Dwarves. This wouldn't do at all. Nope. Something had to give.

He'd take her out. That was the answer. Take her out.

Now normally Thorin wouldn't kill or harm a female but this was no female, noooo. This was some witch, some vile beast.  
He had to save his men.

"Come with me, sweet." Thorin whispered into her ear one evening after the rest had gone to sleep. "I think it's time we have a little time for ourselves, yes?"

"Oh Thorin, I thought you'd never come around!" Was her reply and Thorin played nice, though inside he just wanted to strangle her.

He had better plans though.

By the time he reached Erebor, he was tired, hungry, and so annoyed with the female at his side that HE was ready to off himself rather than her. Oh, death would be such a nice reprieve from her mouth!

"Let's go inside here and relax." Thorin told her. "It seems a nice area, yes?"

"Looks like a stupid mountain... but okay. "

Thorin's gaze grew black as she dissed his home but he led the way.

"Look at all that gold!" He pointed out a little while later and the girl's eyes widened.

"Oh Thorin! We could live here and be rich and have tons of babies and oh my god this would be so amazing! I could be your Queen and rule with you and we should bring your men here and and and..."

Thorin shoved her down the stairs into the gold pool with no emotion and just waited, paying no heed to the girls angry twittering below.

And then Smaug showed up, angry that his sleep had been disturbed.

"Really, Thorin Oakenshield, I could hear you from miles away." It bitched.

"It wasn't me. It was _that_." Thorin pointed at the still-blithering girl. "She just never shuts up. The know it all sort."

"Hm... I'd eat her but I fear she'd give me indigestion."

"I don't care what you do with her, just make her gone forever." Thorin stated as he folded his arms.

"Fair enough..." Smaug shrugged as only a dragon could shrug and lit the girl on fire.

Thorin left Erebor quite happy. He returned to his men and the quest carried on as it did pre-arrival of the Annoying One.


End file.
